Stay Away! Four Reasons Why Kettlebells Are Definitely Not For You

By Josh Hanagarne, World’s Strongest Librarian

Kettlebells are getting pretty hot right now. You might have seen Lance Armstrong swinging one in a newspaper. Or maybe you saw Jillian from The Biggest Loser sneering her way through a wimpy set of terrible, poorly performed movements.

And now, maybe you’re intrigued. I mean, if celebrities are using these things, they’re definitely the way to go, right? Jillian wouldn’t use something that didn’t work. That’s why she’s endorsing that perfect combination of the Nintendo Wii’s Fitness Ultimatum and kettlebells.

Kettlebells are terrible things, but you don’t need to take my word for it. Here are a few indisputable reasons that will help you make up your own mind.

Do not use kettlebells because:

1. Kettlebells will make you strong

I like being strong. I like it so much that I don’t want to share the spotlight with anyone else, and definitely not with you. As long as you stick with dumbbells, treadmills, and bench presses, I can reasonably expect you to remain at the same weights forever while I move up and up and up. You will either quit going to your gym or work for the purpose of looking good only. But you won’t get strong, and that’s all good for me.

If you start getting strong with kettlebells, I won’t be able to show off as well.

2. Kettlebells will help fix your body

We all have movement imbalances and asymmetries. Some of us have fewer than others, however. People who use kettlebells, for instance. I’m insecure and I want to be the most graceful person in the room. My body knows how to work as a unit, which makes me look like an elegant lion among people who have done too much upper body work and zero lower body work.

The worse you move, the better I look. So don’t fix your body. Don’t use kettlebells as correctional tools. You wouldn’t like how good it feels to know that your body is working exactly how it was intended to.

Trust me, it stinks.

3. Kettlebells will make you look good

If you’re like most people, you’re after “big guns,” “sick vascularity,” and you’re always chasing “the pump.” You have to care about those things when you’re going after that awesome Frankenstein look. That look where you’ve trained every tiny body part so hard, for so long, that you look like a big pile of polygons.

Kettlebells will not give you that look. Stay away. They will make you hard, lean, and fast. But not freaky huge. Or tan.

4. Kettlebells force you to focus

If you try to watch an aerobics class while working with a kettlebell, you’re probably going to smash your face in. You could take your eyes off the gyrating spandex for a moment and focus on your kettlebell work…or you could keep doing curls and talk into your Bluetooth at the same time—and still watch the class!

It’s a no-brainer. The mind-muscle connection is all a bunch of crap. Muscle grows when it’s lifting something on autopilot, not when you focus on it. Stick with light dumbbells. They’ll never get away from you.

In summary

Stick with what you know. Wait until January, sign up for a gym membership, lift dumbbells for a week, then lie down on the couch and look forward to a giant batch of Valentine’s Day candy.

You’ve earned it. And while you lie there, feel free to smirk at all the kettlebell nuts out there getting stronger, moving better, looking good, and forging new bodies and minds.

Those losers…

Josh Hanagarne
Get Stronger, Get Smarter, Live Better…Every Day

About the Author: Josh Hanagarne is the twitchy giant behind World’s Strongest Librarian, a blog with advice about living with Tourette’s Syndrome, book recommendations, buying pants when you’re 6’8”, old-time strongman training, and much more. Please subscribe to Josh’s RSS Updates to stay in touch.

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15 comments so far

Comment by Josh Hanagarne
17 October 2009

Hey, I just noticed that you had put this up. Thanks for having me over. this was a lot of fun to write and I meant every word. You guys are doing a great thing here. Take care everyone.
Comment by doug jeffreys
10 March 2010

The headline caught my interest. You’re obviously on target. I’ve worked out a lot when I was younger but I hadn’t heard of kettlebells until I was well into my thirties. I haven’t used anything better. They do it all. They work everything in my body including the cardio stuff (which I hate). Thanks for a great piece.
Comment by Mike Eves
4 June 2010

Hi Josh:
Great post – love it.

I have also experienced similar results and would recommend that no one else tries kettlebells too. Stick to walking on a treadmills, cross trainers, electronic ab toning vibration machines and calf raises. Far better – he he.
Comment by Mr. Barbell
1 January 2011

When I’m deadlifting my 400 lb. barbell I’ll be thinking about you deadlifting your 400 lb. kettlebell (sorry I didn’t do the metric conversion)
Comment by Steve
12 January 2011

When I am doing my 200+ x 24kgs (notice I did not convert to pounds to make it seem heavier)single arm overhead snatches in 10 minutes, I’ll be thinkng of your one rep with 181kg deadlift with both hands. If you think 200+ reps is easy – please send in a video and let us have a laugh when we see your face at 30 reps
Comment by DD
19 February 2011

I’ve been doing a kettlebell class for 6 months and I’ve seen a big difference in my shape and strength.
I’ve seen people who go to the gym walk out half way through the class as they have no stamina.

Its hard work, but worth it.
Comment by Stuart
1 May 2011

Yes – you are correct. Kettlebells are not for you.

Yes – the kettlebell is the only way to get bigger, stronger and look better.

People who lift weights are such suckers. The kettlebell will prevent weak minded people from quitting after two weeks. It is a Christmas miracle!

Fitness fads are for clowns. Always have been and always will be. Success will come from your mind and heart – not the exercise. If you think the kettlebell is some kind of workout miracle – keep using it.

PS – talk all you want – it is cheap. Spend two hours in the gym with me. You will run back to your kettlebell after 30 minutes.
Comment by Onikaze
24 May 2011

Way to take the high road, guys. The point to fitness is to do what you enjoy, what challenges you, and what helps you develop. Whether it’s kettlebells, running, free weights, or whatever, there is no panacea… no superior method. One method’s devotees talking smack about another method’s group just makes the ones talking look bad.

Not to mention lines like “I can reasonably expect you to remain at the same weights forever while I move up and up and up” are just ignorant. It’s called “progression.” Whether it’s in reps or weight, any person intelligently planning out their progression goals will make gains. Likewise, anyone not putting thought into their workouts – be it weights, cardio, bodyweight, or kettlebells – will hit a plateau they cannot break through. The fundamentals of physical development are universal and not limited to kettlebells. Likewise, any workout can be done with dedicated focus, not just kettlebells. (You can zone out with kettlebells for that matter, too.) That focus is what separates the people making true progress versus the ones just spinning their wheels pointlessly.

I realize this article is done kind of tongue-in-cheek, but it’s making the same mistake of broad generalizations and mindless stereotyping of non-kettlebell users as the gym rats make of folks using the kettlebells. The “curlbros” will naturally laugh at anything other than big weights and big guns, but I’d like to think gireviks would be able to rise above petty wang-waving.
Comment by Toni
26 June 2011

This article was well-written but that being said, I have to respectfully disagree with you, Josh. Sorry. I’m a female in her late 30s who has had two children. My stomach has always been a source of disappointment for me. I took up strength training with kettlebells and noticed within the first two weeks that my lower abs (which have been soft since my last pregnancy in 2006) have dramatically tightened. My abs are also starting to become more visible which is nice side benefit. I’m at my ideal weight: 119 lbs. at 5’6″ tall. I’m also using a 15 lb. kettlebell which is challenging enough for me at this point. And yes, I’m also a jogger and devotee of pilates/yoga. Kettlebells combined with the other things I’m doing has made all the difference for me personally. I think everyone is different so therefore their results with kettlebells are unique to them.
Comment by Dave
2 September 2011

Toni, It was kind of a pun on why Kettlebells are actually amazing for you. Sorry you didn’t catch that =\
Comment by z
20 December 2011

its sad that the humor in this article was lost on some of you. think it over in your tanning bed while you sip your muscle milk and take your zma, maybe ask yourself.. what would jay cutler do?

i

having done both kettlebells and traditional weight training it is my honest opinion that kettlebells consistently produce better, and more functional, results much quicker.
Comment by Bejak
23 December 2011

Hi Guys
I just want to share my experience with kettlebells if I may.

I did olympic lifting for two years, before then staring in the mirror while working one muscle at a time. I have since moved on to kettlebell lifting, and damn is it hard. 1) I can feel my cardio going through the roof 2) It is benefiting my basketball more ways then any other exercise I have ever done 3)It is absolutely challenging. 4) it is convenient.

live in denial see if we care?